Sad (or Recovering From Trauma Sucks)

(the art above was found here, made by DarkDragonFlye on deviantart)

I made a playlist today. Sad songs that express how I’m feeling about my relationship with my husband. The handless maiden had to wait 7 years for her husband to make his way back to her after she escaped into the forest. Maybe it’s just the way of things.

We were given homework in therapy last week. My husband was supposed to act more on his impulse to touch me. My job was to let him know when I felt grounded enough that I would respond positively. I was worried I might get triggered but my therapist and I worked on that and I felt open and receptive to being touched. But nothing happened. I let him know a few days in a row that I was feeling good about being touched and then I waited. And waited. Nothing more than the welcome home and goodnight hugs and kisses, which I could see myself giving to anyone I might share space with on a daily basis. I realized I had been excited at the prospect of being touched by husband! That’s something, I guess.

We didn’t talk about it during the week. I noticed myself feeling more and more sad. I spent the last year digging deep into my trauma, and defusing triggers. I willingly walked into and shook and screamed through things I spent my life running away from. All so I could feel good about being alive and have healthy relationships. I come back to find my husband gone. When our therapist asked how our homework went, we had to report that it didn’t. My husband’s response to what happened was that he didn’t really have an impulse to touch me so there wasn’t anything to act on.

My playlist is still in progress but here’s what I have so far:

One by U2, sung by Damien Rice; Long & Lost by Florence & the Machine; Ship to Wreck by Florence & the Machine; Queen of Peace by Florence & the Machine; Grace Cathedral Hill by The Decemberists; Human by Daughter; Made of Stone by Daughter; Hello Earth by Kate Bush; Watching you Without Me by Kate Bush; and Ghosting by Mother Mother.

I don’t recommend listening to these songs unless you want to be sad.

I do love the way Damien Rice sings One. I’m pasting the lyrics as he sings them here because it expresses my experience right now.

One

Is it getting better
Or do I feel the same
Will it make it easier on me now
I’ve got someone to blame
You say…
One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves me baby if I
Don’t care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in my mouth
You act like I never had love
And I want you to go without
Well it’s…
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…
Have I come here for forgiveness
Have I come to raise the dead
Have I come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in my head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
I gave you nothing
Now it’s all I’ve got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
I ask you to enter
But then I made you crawl
And you can’t be holding on
To what I’ve got
When all I’ve got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
I’ve got to do what I should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…life
One

 

Life is not a fairy tale. Sometimes you fight the dragon, wander through the wilderness and when finally come home, you find you have to clean up the mess that happened while you were gone. Right now that’s just making me sad.